Now
by 123laura3215
Summary: In which Cain is marginally better at feelings, Abel'll do that to you. Follow up drabble to In Time.
1. Chapter 1

**Cain – 5 years on earth**

It's roughly two kilometres.

There are three sort of landmarks on the walk from our house to Abels tree down by the lake. The first is the fire hydrant Abel had a bad dizzy spell next to, fell and split his head open and I didn't know about it until the neighbour called and told me he was bleeding on their spot of pavement and could I please remove him. When I broke the fuckers arm, the police refused to let him press charges.

The second is a house that looks like it belongs to a witch. The woman inside has a temper just as bad as one, and used to always kept her gate bolted shut, scowled at people if they happened to pass by while she was in the garden, if you could even call it that. One day I found Abel sitting on her lawn, both of them laughing at something. It was the first time I'd ever seen her smile; she keeps her gate open now.

The third is the stop sign where I proposed. First time he laughed in my face, then got all serious when he saw that I meant it. Said no three times before he said yes. Little bitch.

Depending on how good he's feeling, Abel will stop at them to catch his breath, or at least that's what he says to strangers when they ask him why he's panting and squeezing his eyes shut because it's easier than telling them he got his fucking head shot up protecting their planet. Strangers get concerned when they see other strangers looking like they're about to throw up.

If there're no stops, it's pancakes for dinner. Those don't happen often. Two is standard, but I think sometimes he stops at the witches house under the pretence of visiting, but really needs to quit for a while. If he stops at all three, it's a bad day. Sometimes there's a fourth, and we call that one the crap bus stop, and those are the crap days. And very rarely, there are five. We don't talk about those days. Barely 35 and walks like a dead man. Don't talk to me about those days.

Tried to explain to me once what it was like, said it was like being in the Reliant except the harness isn't done up and the ships spinning out of control, and all you can do is try to find something to hold on to and hope you don't throw up before it rights itself. I don't like to think about it, because thinking about the Reliant still terrifies the hell out of me.

Walks every day down to that damned tree in the stupid fucking park next to the toilet of a lake, rain or shine, no matter what the weather is or how crap a day he's having. Drives me up the fucking wall. Says it gives him stability, and I'll never let him know how much it bloody hurts that I can't give him what a goddamn tree can.

Goes there to think, or to sit or just fuck knows what. Feeds the geese if there's stale bread in the house. This is his spot, just like I have my lighter, my knife, and sometimes I go to the bar with Deimos after work and don't tell him about it. Some things you don't question because you'll never hope to understand, and really they're not there for you to get. They just are, and that's the way it is, and you respect the other persons fucking privacy because there are some spaces in your head you just don't share because they're too dark, too weird, or not yours to give.

But it's getting late now, and the suns starting to set, and normally he's home now and I worry like a fucking grandmother these days.

Grab my jacket and start down the path, sneer at the fire hydrant. When I get to the old witch's place, she's puttering about the garden, pulling weeds and muttering about something but it doesn't look any better.

Looks up at my footsteps. Bad day, she mouths, and I pick up the pace.

One time he fell asleep there in the dark, and I nearly had a fucking heart attack when I got home after midnight and he was still gone.

Another time I couldn't find him at home or at the tree, wasn't answering his phone, wasn't at work, lost my shit until the witch came over and found him typing quietly in the attic with some earplugs in. Doing some major work on an engine design and was getting annoyed by the flickering and humming of the desk lamp. When I growled at him to next time just _change _the fucking globe, he laughed and pulled me down for a kiss, stopped me when I forgot where I was and started tugging at his jacket and invited the witch to stay for dinner. Too fucking hospitable.

But sometimes, sometimes he goes there so I can't see him crying.

Once he showed me some stupid fucking movie, snow white I think, where the girl had all the forest animals following her around like she was their drug dealer. Think Abel must be her reincarnate, because all the fucking geese waddle up to him when he visits, honking like hell. But they shut up and sit quiet when he's crying. So even from a distance, it's not hard to tell. If Abel's the drug dealer, I'm the old witch with the apple because they run away hissing when I come close. That movie never made any fucking sense.

So when they start making a fuss, Abel knows I'm approaching and turns his face away into his shoulder. Huddles into himself when I crouch down and I can hear the hitch in his breathing, see the tremors in his shoulders.

Fucking geese don't give anyone any fucking privacy.

"How many?"

He holds up his hand, and stretches out all five fingers. Then lifts the other hand and raises the index, slowly, like he doesn't want to do it but there are invisible strings pulling it up and they're too strong to fight. Keeps his head turned away.

Shit.

Grab his hair a little rougher than I mean to, and drag his face to mine. Kiss him, hard, because right now it doesn't matter that his face is wet or that I can't tell if he's whimpering because he likes it or he's just crying. Doesn't fucking matter just as long as he's here. Put my arm around his shoulder and lean against the tree trunk, and with the late sun hitting my face I think that I kinda get now what he means when he's says that the tree is stable. Still don't like it though. Not my fault I wasn't born a bloody tree. Maybe I should change my name to Cedar or something. Or Forest. Yeah. A whole fucking field of stability.

Stay like that until Abel moves to get up, eyes dry now, and it's down to four before we're back at the house. His parents drop by later, and neither of us mention it.

Some things, you just don't share with others, because they're too dark or they're not yours to give, just like we call each other Cain and Abel when no one else is around.

**A/N** –

And now, a snippet for next time on fanfiction with Laura!

"Oh Bering, I'm going to _cook _you up something special" the commander teased as his tongue snailed lazily down the other mans leg, leaving a wet trail that had Bering panting like a puppy.

Just kidding. Or am I? ;) No I'm kidding they're both so creepy D:


	2. Chapter 2

**Cain POV – 2 years on earth**

At the end of every month we catch a train to Keeler and Encke's house to, fuck knows, catch up, whatever. Sit there and watch out navigators flirt with each other. Takes about 45 minutes, so Abel takes a chess board and sets it up on the floor once we get on, waiting for someone to challenge him. I used to sit next to him, but he said unless I stopped scowling I'd have to move because it was putting people off. He was right. The second I moved he got a competitor. So now every Tuesday I spend 45 minutes halfway down a carriage away from Abel, who sits there reading a book until someone comes up to play with him, and scowl at the people around me instead.

Today, we're half an hour in and no one's come up to play. I fucking hate chess. But I get up anyways.

Abel looks up when I sit down across from him and move a pawn forwards.

"What are you doing?"

"Your move."

Pause.

"You don't have to do this."

I just point at my pawn.

Abel smiles a little, "I'm white. I play first turn."

Cocky little shit. I turn the board around and move the black piece back and an identical white one forwards.

"Your move, princess."


	3. Chapter 3

**Abel POV – 9 years on earth**

"Abel, you have to tell him"

I sigh and put my head in my hands. What am I doing. What am I doing?

"No"

"He's going to freak out when you tell him you want a divorce. What are you going to say?"

That I'm letting him go. To go fuck someone else who can walk a hundred meters without stopping to try and keep themselves together. Give him an out of this guilt ridden act that for some unfathomable reason he's stuck to for longer than anyone would have expected.

"He won't care"

"You've got to be kidding me. Cain loves you, everyone knows that."

Correction: I love Cain. Wrong way 'round there, buddy. That there are three words Cain will never, ever say when he's speaking about me.

"Abel, you can't still think he doesn't. Please don't tell me you're that blind."

"I think you mean Cain loves my ass"

Keeler starts laughing at that.

"Shut up"

Just laughs harder, like some giggling school girl. It's like a bad, infectious disease and before I know it my whole body is shaking too, and I'm gasping for breath.

Except then I really am gasping for breath. In fact, I'm downright hyperventilating, and Keelers gotten out of his chair and knocked over his coffee, calling for someone. The coffee is swirling sickeningly, oozing across the table and I have to get away from it, get away from the coffee monster because it's going to kill me.

"_Jesus Christ, what happened?"_

"_I don't know, we were just, just sitting there, it doesn't matter just get me some wet towels! Abel, shh, it's okay, just breathe"_

CAN YOU NOT SEE THE BROWN MONSTER OOZING DEATH!?

"_What the hell is wrong with him? I thought this only happened when he tried walking, should I call an ambulance?"_

"_I don't know, maybe? Abel honey, calm down and breathe. You're safe, just do me a favour and breathe."_

"_I don't think he should be making that sound."_

"_Not helpful!"_

Breathe? Yeah, great idea. Lets all focus on our breathing while a creature from the deep climbs into the room and tries to kill us all. Don't worry, you'll be fine if you just breathe!

"_Encke, put the phone back, I think he's okay now."_

Keelers face swims into view, blurry around the edges and peering down at me all concerned. Huh? I don't remember going down. Guess I never do though.

"Wha...?"

Then in the corner of my eye I catch sight of the monster.

"ARGH! KEELER, ENCKE, RUN, GET OUT OF HERE-"

A hand slaps me across the face, and some stars swim around in my head before everything comes back into focus. Somehow, I'm sitting halfway off the ground clinging onto Keelers arm. My face stings. Someone spilled their coffee and it's dripping off the table and pooling on the floor.

"You're a mess, navigator."

I just blink.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N - **In which Abel wins his first boxing match, and Cain is a douche. Also, Bering and Cook minus pants. Yeah I totally just went there, again. You can't un-see that now. I lured you into my disgusting, disgusting trap. Have fun with that mental imagery ;) but not too much fun. I'm going to sleep now. Then I'm going to go and work the two jobs and wish both companies would spontaneously combust.

**Cain POV – 10 years on earth**

I should never have come in here. Just went into his office to see if my watch was there before we went off to meet Keeler and Encke and all of Abel's other stupid friends, and on his desk at the very top of the pile there it was, dotted little yellow 'sign here' tabs noting where I should just punch myself in the gut.

Divorce papers. Fuck. And I thought it was all going okay. Guess this is his birthday present to himself.

"Cain hurry up, we have to g... what are you doing?"

Abel stood halfway through the doorway of his office, confused. Then looks down to the stupid sheets with their stupid little tabs in my stupid fucking hands. Takes a few moments before comprehension dawned and his face pales. Abel opens his mouth to speak, but it just hangs there empty and stupid before he snaps it back shut again.

"Those... aren't mine"

Always was a terrible liar.

"Oh really, princess?"

I hold up the papers, type facing Abel and start forward.

"They're not yours, huh?"

Abel starts backing away until he hits the wall and stays there frozen like a deer in the headlights, eyes wide until we're nose to nose and I can feel the tension rolling off him in waves. Lean forwards to whisper in his ear:

"_So why is your signature on it?"_

Abel shudders. Guilty as charged.

I want to bite his scar back open, mark his stupid lying whore mouth so everyone knows what a little prick he is, but I'm so angry I think if I tried I might end up tearing his face off, so instead I grab the front of his shirt and hold him a little off the ground until he starts to really struggle and manages to shove his way out of my grasp, dodging my lunges and scrambles away from me. Doesn't get far before he trips on the carpet and I'm there to catch him except this time, I don't help him back up. Just grab him by the shoulders, squeezing too hard and not giving a damn, relishing in the pain on his face.

It's not until he starts tearing up and stops struggling that I realise it's not pain at all. It's fear. He's fucking terrified. I've never seen Abel look this scared, not the first time he shot a Colteron in the face on shore leave and he spent the entire night throwing up, not the first time he got up and fell back down again and didn't stop falling since, not when they told him he would never be normal again. Not that first time. Just kept his stupid defiant, prissy little face on like it didn't matter he was all fucked up in the head, didn't matter he was throwing up more food than he'd eaten, didn't matter that he just got fucked by a total stranger, didn't matter at all. But now there's nothing but fear and I wonder if he's been looking like that the entire time and I've just been too, too... better liar than I thought.

Suddenly I'm disgusted with him. Need him to get off me, need to wash his smell off me and his touch because it's making my skin crawl. I let go of him and he looks relieved, and I'm just so fucking angry I can't help it, push him backwards onto the couch and Abel huffs in surprise as he hits the pillows.

Fine. Whatever. I don't care. Have it your way, never anything but a good for nothing whiny little slut. See if I ever care about you again. Not my fault he's scared of everything.

"Move it, we're going to be late."

Divorce. Tch. Not if I do it first.

Only when I'm halfway to the door that I notice Abel isn't.

"Fuck, what now-"

Still sitting on the couch, face pale, eyes squeezed shut, his breathing all funny and too loud even from halfway across the room.

This isn't supposed to happen when he's only sitting down.

"Abel, fuck It was just a shove princess, stop with the theatrics."

Walk over to grab his shoulder and shake him out of it, but stop mid-step when I realise that it's not just laboured, now he's gaspingfor air, rasping trying to get some, eyes wide open and darting around the room like he can't actually see anything just like that fucking dream with Praxis all over again. If I thought he looked scared before then it's nothing compared to this. Curling into himself like a snails shell, trying to protect what's inside but too fucking easy to step on and shatter.

"Abel!?"

This isn't supposed to happen when he's only sitting down. _This isn't supposed to happen at all. _It was just a fucking dream. True he was getting worse, but not this, nothing like this. And all the anger turns to panic, just as consuming but a thousand times worse because there is nothing, nothing I can do to stop this.

"What the fuck is wrong with you! Snap out of it, shit, stop _stop-_"

And just as suddenly as it started it stops. His breathing loses it's rattle and goes back to easy whistling and Abel slumps over so fucking relieved it's almost painful to look at.

"The _fuck _was that?!"

He doesn't respond, just keeps his eyes shut and keeps breathing slowly, in, out, face white and shaking.

"I'm calling the doctor"

"Don't, it's nothing-"

"Like hell it is!"

"Why do you care?"

_Round one: Abel._ Ouch. Fuck.

"Just leave it okay? I'm fine, it's happened before..."

Abel stops mid sentence, looking worried like he's let something slip up and I flinch back because the words are worse than a slap.Like this is normal.

_Round two: Abel._

"What? What the fuck does that mean? _It's happened before? _Where the hell was I?"

"Really, it's nothing, just forget about it. We're going to be late-"

He moves to get up but I shove him back down on the couch. Grab his hair until he looks me in the eyes, and there's guilt written all over his face like a kids first time drawing on the walls. Messy, unreadable, a fucking ugly scrawl of dizzyingly inhuman shapes with wonky drugged out smiles.

"Cain, ow, let go-"

"You're going to fucking spill, or I'm going to fuck it out of you and you don't want that."

Closes his eyes again, like if he can't see me then he doesn't have to speak, even blushes a bit. Should have known that wasn't a good threat for someone as slutty as Abel, even if his hair is going white.

"Five"

What? Five what?

Abel just fidgets with his sleeves, head down. Talks to the underside of his eyelids.

"Years. Five years."

I just glare.

"I'm forty now, so. So. That's what they said. So it's five now."

His voice drops in volume. Keep glaring.

"So. So, you know. That's. So, that's old. So I've got five years to... y'know. Live."

_Round three: Abel holds down his contestant for 1..._

If I just keep glaring this will all turn out to be a dream, just like Praxis again, not real.

"Approximately. Probably less. They don't know for sure."

_4...5..._

Just keep glaring and this will all melt away.

"I didn't want to trap you. The divorce papers..."

Fucking stubborn no-melt fake reality.

"So..."

Abel looks up then, completely miserable. Don't cry. Don't fucking cry. If you cry, then you'll have to explain to Abel why you woke up all fucking teary and that'll just make this realer than it is, and I'd rather die than be the girl. Leave the crying to Abel. Nothing but a stupid navigator with too many feelings.

"It doesn't matter. J- just forget about it for now. We're going to be late."

Abel gets up and this time I don't stop him.

_And 10. Abel wins. You have to be gentle, princess. _

Just a dream. Wake up wake up wake up wake up you have to wake up now.

"...or maybe it's better if you stay here. I'll just, I dunno, I'll tell them you're sick or something."

Just a dream, it's just a dream. So why aren't I waking up?


	5. Chapter 5

**Abel POV – 3 years on earth**

Cain is going to propose. Again. I can feel it coming, and I'm still not sure what to say. I want to say yes, but I know that it's just his guilt keeping him here and once he gets over it all that will be left is resentment for trapping him with someone he doesn't really want.

"_Abel, why don't you take a seat?"_

But I've already said no three times, and he's still not quitting.

"_Here's where that bullet scratched the surface, unfortunate it hit there... And I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You're probably sick of that."_

Last time I visited the doctors, they told me that that scratch on the surface of my brain would slowly cause it to deteriorate and the shadow would spread, creep over everything until my brain won't remember how to breathe properly or where the switch to keep my heart on is.

"_The likelihood of this not happening to you is... slim. Almost next to nothing."_

I haven't told Cain. I'm not going to. He'd just laugh in my face and tell me to suck it up and I can't face that, at least not yet.

"_You're going to find it more and more difficult to walk without the dizzy spells. Eventually they'll start happening even when you're not walking around."_

Cain asked me what it was really like once, so I told him it was like being in an out of control Reliant, because I didn't want to tell him the truth.

"_How long? We can only estimate, because everyone is different and this is so rare. Usually it's slow so... maybe 10, 15 years? We can give you a better estimate as we track it's progress. I'm so sorry."_

Didn't want to tell him that it felt like someone had strapped me into a spinning ride at a carnival too tight, and the faster it spun the faster I started to turn to dust and fall apart. And sometimes it goes slow. That's even worse. So I try to keep it together and try not to act surprised when I wake up sometimes and I'm on the ground or I've broken something or I actually have thrown up like I apparently look like I'm going to do whenever someone sees it happening.

"_But you're still young, in relatively good health, strong. You'll have a good while before it starts to take it's toll. But then, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do for you."_

But, I suppose, if I'm going to die anyway then he won't really be trapped. At least not for too long...

"Abel. Get your head out of the fucking clouds and answer me, and you better fucking say yes this time."


	6. Chapter 6

In which Cain meets Abel's parents.

**1 week on earth**

The moment Martin stepped inside the door he knew something was right, and something was wrong.

Someone had left their shoes and socks in the hallway in the same spot Ethan did. His wife screamed a little at that.

And someone had left another pair right next to his. They had company. And those shoes were _scuffed. _Those shoes were _dirty. _Those shoes had never seen a cleaning in their life and they were seriously out of place_._

"Hello?"

And then an all too familiar voice floated down from the top of the stairs. "Dad?" The voice Martin hadn't believed he could miss so much, all the nights he'd spent wondering where his son was, just wanting him to be home even if it was only for five minutes to whinge about them not taking care of his bike while he was gone. Ethan. Ethan was back.

Martin's only son's head popped up over the railing, blinking down at his parents.

"Mum! Dad!"

Rushed down the stairs to hug them, and Martin was just so ridiculously happy to have his family back together he couldn't form words, just held on tight and wished he could stop the moment and live in it forever.

Then Ethan pulled away a little, turned his head around and raising an arm to wave someone over, and Martin followed his eyeline to a dark haired man hovering awkwardly at the top of the staircase, looking uncomfortable and standing too straight. Everything about him said dangerous, and unsafe, and _filthy foreign trash._

A colonial.

Ethan ran a hand through his hair, and Martin noticed both their clothes were rumpled, faces flushed, shirts... untucked.Holy shit. _Holy SHIT._

Ethan waved again, and the other man came down the stairs and stood there horribly stiff, all angles and black hair and looking like he'd been born in a bin, which Martin was now one hundred percent certain was exactly the truth.

"Mum, Dad, this is Sasha. He's going to be staying with me for a bit while he... looks for work."

This was just like Ethan, picking up strays and taking them home and loving them too much. Like that cat, Moses. Called him that because he found him under a rock by the ocean; said the seas parted to bring them together.

"And we're kinda dating."

Ethan smiled shyly at Sasha, who looked back at him blankly, blinking slowly and keeping his rigid pose until Ethan went for his hand and Sasha seemed to relax a little. Relax a lot. Too much, when he threw an arm around Ethan's shoulders and Martin used all of his self restraint not to rip the arm off and throw its owner out the window.

Martin had seen the kind of work Colonials got on earth. Cleaners. Truck drivers. Not anything suitable for Ethan. Well, maybe this would blow over, maybe the colonial would break Ethans heart – could be a good thing if he never got back with one of them – but then he saw it. A look, just a glance from Sasha at Ethan underneath the unsure blank expression that made him balk because all his careful plans for his sons eventual marriage had just hit a serious roadblock.

This was bad.

Joining the starfleet? That he could forgive.

Lying to them about it? Martin had told worse lies.

Getting himself nearly killed and ending up with a debilitating injury? Fine. Well no, not fine, they were going to have a good long talk about that when he got Ethan alone. But as long as he was safe now, that he could forgive.

But this... colonial. This trash. In his house? _Date his kid? _Doom him to a fate as desperately pathetic as his own? No. No, this wasn't going to happen.

The worst part was when Ethan got up to get some water and stopped halfway, leaning against the wall looking like he was going to throw up and just as Martin got up to help him his wife grabbed his arm and pulled him back down, just pointed silently at Sasha who was already there, arm around Ethan's shoulder and talking in his ear. Brushed his hand across Ethan's cheek in a gesture so tender Martin wanted to punch the bastard in his face. And all his half-formed plans to separate them started to melt like ice cream in the sun, messy and sticky and impossible to clean up, staining the concrete for too many years until the sun baked it up into almost invisibility, but you could see it if you looked hard enough.

His wife prodded him in the side, whispered conspiratorially into his ear, "Martin, look. Ethan's in love."

He just nodded once at his wife's words, thinking that she wasn't quite right. Ethan _was _in love, but not like Sasha was.


	7. Chapter 7

In which Abel is adorable.

**Cain POV – 6 years on earth**

Abel is, without a doubt, the stupidest drunk I have ever seen. Also the sluttiest, but that's not really a surprise.

Starts pulling off his shirt and stops with the neck of his shirt stuck under his chin, right arm halfway out of the sleeve and just stands there unmoving, hands still halfway up in the air.

"What's nexxt?"

I burst out laughing. Comedy genius. Get up off the bed to help Abel out and he's grinning at me stupidly, then starts giggling like a stupid teenage girl and it makes me want to kiss him so badly it hurts. So I do.

Abel starts to walk me backwards, getting into it and when his hand brushes the skin under my shirt all the promises I'd made to myself to not let this happen when Abel was drunk are suddenly forgotten.

I reach around to cup his ass, bring him up to wrap his legs around my waist when suddenly, he goes completely limp and I stagger forward trying to keep myself from falling on top of him.

"What the fuck Abel?"

His head lolls to the side and snore escape his mouth. Asleep.

Stupidest drunk I've ever seen.

**A/N –** guys I'm sorry, I can't write the sexytimes without everything becoming ridiculous. This fluff will have to do :P


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N –** Real sorry, but this gets 5/5 for desperately sad tears.

In which Abel does some redecorating

**Cain POV – 11 years on earth**

Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.

Someone's knocking at the door. I don't know what time it is, but it's still dark, but someone's knocking at the door. I roll over to push Abel out of bed to get it – because he's the one the makes friends with all the damn neighbours, probably just that new couple asking for some goddamn sugar – but I reach into empty space and keep rolling. Huh. Must have gotten up already. Well, good. He can get the stupid door.

But they keep knocking. Crack an eye at the clock and groan. If I just stay here maybe they'll go away.

But when I look at the clock again five minutes later they're still knocking and Abel's still gone – maybe working on something with the headphones in again – so I have to roll out of bed and go answer the stupid fucking door. Maybe I can shove a muffler over the door for next time this happens. Start going down the stairs until I freeze, seeing Abel sitting about halfway down, banging his head softly against the wall. Again. And again. Thunk, thunk, thunk...

"Abel?"

He doesn't stop, just keeps hitting his head against the wall, and there's a dark stain where his head keeps reconnecting. It's not until I reach him and grab a hold of his head that I realise it's blood. Hot. Wet. Sticky. Some of it dry or drying and crusted to the side of his face; fuck knows how long he's been at this for.

"Holy fucking, ah Jesus!"

He keeps trying to push his head towards the wall but I won't let go, and after a bit he gives up and just sits there all rigid and too straight.

"Fucks sake Abel, what the hell is wrong with you?"

Abel just stays quiet for a real long time and I think he might have fallen asleep like that or passed out until he suddenly speaks, so quiet I might have missed it if I wasn't concentrating so hard on hearing his breathing, partly because I wasn't entirely sure he was still alive, partly because I didn't know what else to do. Not good with words that don't shut people down.

"I hate this."

Still not good.

"I hate myself. Look at me. I can't even walk down a fucking flight of stairs without... with out... ugh. I'm just a stupid, pathetic nobody, nothing, I'm just, I'm j-j, I'm just. Can't."

And I sit there stupidly, my grip on his head slackening. I've heard this kind of talk before. Heard it from my granddad when he was dying, heard it from other fighters and navigators when they came back to conciousness missing limbs or about to be missing them. Heard it from others who saw no reason left in living. But not Abel. Never Abel. And the words from the first week in basic keep trying to surface: watch your back fighter. It's a nasty place out there. It'll eat you up and spit you back out all chewed up and rotten inside, and you'll get a new normal that once seemed all messed up and wrong.

"I just wanted some water and I can't. I can't do this anymore, I can't do anything anymore and I hate it, I hate it!"

Abels voice breaks on the last word and he wrenches his head from my grip and hits it against the wall so hard the thunk reverberates through the whole house, echoing off the walls and I'm terrified he's done something permanent, gone and knocked himself into oblivion but he just stays there leaning against the wall and starts sobbing. Really fucking horrible, gut wrenching sobs, sounding like someone's twisting a knife in his side, like an animal that's been kicked and beaten and humiliated until it finally breaks. Starts living a normal that once seemed all wrong.

And there's nothing I can do, absolutely shit all, so I just sit there with a hand on his shoulder and try not to think about where all this is heading.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N **– Moses is trollin' shit up.

In which Cain and Abel... ahem.

**Cain POV – 2 years on earth**

"Cain! Cain, get down here quick!"

Abel sounds terrified, and I sprint down those stairs like Michael Fucking Schumacher because something terrible has happened, maybe he's gone and fallen and broken his arm again, or maybe this time it's his neck, run boy, run.

But when I find him Abel is sitting on the floor, dangling his hand and fingers in front of Moses who's lying upside down on the floor, batting his paws at Abel's hand, trying to catch the wiggling fingers individually but not achieving his goal, and Abel is shaking with laughter. Not terrified. Laughing.

"You brought me down here to watch your cat try and kill your hand?"

He pouts a little, so fucking beautiful.

"He hasn't done this since he was just a kitten. Look, it's cute okay? You try."

Abel grabs my hand and pulls me down to the floor, and it's so unexpected I lurch forwards, catching myself on Moses's tail, whose instant reacting is to scratch the fucking crap out of my arm and sprint from the room.

"Arghhh! Fucking hell!"

Abel's pulled himself away from me, gone after that fucking cat, leaving me half-lying there on the floor with four bloody claw marks raked down my arm. This is why I fucking hate cats.

Abel comes back then, Moses curled up in his arms and purring, Abel frowning down at me, the little shit has the audacity to look at me all disappointed like it was _my _fault.

"What was that? You nearly crushed Moses."

I can feel the scowl on my face growing deeper.

"_I nearly, pfft, Moses?! _Look at what _he _did to me!"

Hold up my arm for Abel to see so he can kick that stupid fucking cat out the door, but he just shrugs lightly.

"So? He's a cat. I have tons of scars on my arms from him."

Wait, what?

"You do?"

Abel stares at me blankly.

"Seriously?"

"What?"

"You seriously didn't notice."

"_Notice what?"_

Abel puts Moses down and the damn thing curls itself around his legs before ambling over to me and rubbing his face against my thigh. No. I will not like you. Stupid likeable cat.

Abel sits down in front of me, smirking now, pushing his sleeves up and holding his arms up for me to see.

"I don't see shit."

Abel laughs.

"Look closer_"_

Grab his arm and hold it up to my face, and then they suddenly jump out at me. Faint white lines all up and down his arms, and seriously, how could I have missed this?

"Yeah, well, I never had a cat and it stings like a bitch."

"Try having your mouth bit open, _then _talk to me about stinging."

I jerk my head up then, look Abel straight in the eye, searching for anger or something but he's just grinning at me with a brow raised and I don't like that look one bit.

"Aww, did poor Cainy-wain get a little scratchy?"

_Cainy-wain?_

Abel pushes me backwards so I'm lying down and leans over me, grabbing my arms and pulling them over my head. Fuck. Try pulling my arms out but he has me pinned good and to be honest I'm so okay with where this is going that I don't care.

"Poor baby, let Abel kiss it better, hmm?"

Except he misses my arm completely and goes straight for my neck, sucking on the hollow at my collar bone and I try bite back the noise I want to make, but Abel hitches his leg over me then and straddles me good and proper and I can't help it.

Moves his mouth up to my ear, "poor baby", sticks his tongue in it and my legs jerk involuntarily. Turn my head sideways to see Moses staring at us curiously. Fuck.

Abel moves one of his hands down, slips it under the waistband of my jeans and starts stroking my hip, too soft and warm but Moses is still staring at us like Abel's stupid fucking father, eyes saying "_what do you think you doing?" _in that hateful fucking condescending tone he saves just for me.

Abels hand has found its way under my shirt, brushing up and down my side, breathing heavy into my mouth but I can't do this with that damn cat-dad watching us.

"Abel"

Comes out more as a groan. He just hums into my mouth and pulls my shirt further up.

"Your cat..."

Just slips his tongue in my mouth, _fuck. _In the corner of my eye Moses is still staring at us. Damn it.

"Abel, quit it, get off me."

He freezes, one hand rubbing my nipple with his palm, the other still holding onto my hands above my head, just barely. Pulls away with a worried face.

"You... you don't want to?"

"Not while your cat is fucking watching us."

Abel blinks. Turns his head sideways to look at Moses who now has his back turned to us and licking his paws.

"Cain, he's not even facing us."

Did I mention how much I hate cats?

"Well he was before."

Then Abel starts laughing. He starts laughing so hard he rolls over away from me, pressing his fist against his mouth, tears streaming down his face and howling. I scowl and scoot over until I'm on all fours, this time me straddling him. Fine. I can do this with the fucking cat watching. Maybe it'll teach him not to cross me again, watch me bring his little master to his knees and beg for it.

I grab Abel's arms and pull them over his head just like he did before, and he stops laughing and gets all serious and too fucking pretty, eyes shining like stars with tears. Push his socks off with my feet and lean down to take his ear between my teeth. Bite _gently_. No more scars.

"I thought you didn't want me."

What?

Pull back to look at his face, and I'm not sure if those are tears from before or now.

"Abel. Never."

He just squeezes his eyes shut and I lean back down to his mouth, not thinking about how that might sound, never, to someone else, because in my head it means I'll never _not _want him and Abel knows that. It couldn't be more obvious. Right?

"How could I not?"

Abel's still crying, but now he's laughing too.


	10. Chapter 10

In which Cain and Abel go to a party

**Cain POV – 2 years on Earth**

"I look like a fucking idiot."

Abel ignores me and keeps fussing with his jacket in the mirror.

"You know, we could just skip this all and..."

Abel just snorts and shoves my hand away.

"Not now you don't, we're going to this thing and you are _going to like it."_

Turns around to look at me.

"Cain! You haven't even done it up!"

"What? _What? _Don't have any fucking bowties in the fucking colonies, not a bunch of girls."

"Sit down. I'll do it for you."

Abel leans over me and starts tying the damn bit of fabric, face frowning in concentration like he does when he's working on new engine designs or fixing his bike. Too pretty, every fucking day. Reach up to push his hair out of eyes and he freezes, leans back a little.

"What?"

"Nothing. Er, well you're done."

Abel backs up then, and then sits right down on the floor, putting his head between his hands. Not much I can do so I go get the keys and the present before Abel follows me into the hallway.

"You okay?"

"Fine. Let's go."

Bends over to pick up Moses who's now twining his way around Abel's legs, and starts to the front door.

"Wait, wait you're taking the _cat?!"_

"Sure. Why not? Poor guy doesn't have any friends in the neighbourhood, he can go play with Calypso."

Fucking great. Keelers cat is even worse than Abel's.

"Oh come on, they don't play, they just stare each other down and ignore the rest of us."

Abel frowns and holds Moses up to talk straight to his face, "Don't listen to Cain, he's just jealous that he doesn't have any friends". Moses paws at his nose, and Abel winks at me before heading out the door and leaving me to lock it.

Just grind my teeth. Damn cat.

Abel keeps fidgeting the whole train ride, bouncing his leg up and down maddeningly until I clamp a hand down on it and force him to stop.

"Sorry, just a bit nervous. Keeler said everyone's gonna be there."

"Just stop bouncing your damn knee."

Starts playing with Moses's tail instead, who just lies there purring like a fucking car engine, biting his lip and frowning. I sigh.

"What is it?"

"Nothing"

"_Abel"_

Pauses a bit before taking a breath and spurts out: "Willyoudancewithme?"

Ugh. No. Not this again. I'm about to growl at him when Abel goes and makes those fucking puppy dog eyes at me, all big and sad and pleading. Fuck.

"Please? Just once. Then I won't ask you again for the rest of the year."

"Like fuck you won't."

"Please Cain?"

Stupid fucking pouty mouth.

"Okay, fine! But I can't fucking dance so if I step on your feet don't complain!"

Abel leans over and kisses my cheek, smiling.

"Thanks."

Whatever. If I can use this against him in bed later it'll be worth it.

When we get to Keeler and Encke's house the door is already open, and Abel sets Moses down in the hallway next to their damn cat. The two of them just sit there, eyeing each other up haughtily.

"See? I told you. No fucking point in taking him."

Go further into the house where all the voices are coming from and _everyone _is in there. I mean everyone. Keeler's gone and invited the whole goddamn alliance.

"Hey, Abel!"

Praxis shimmies his way over to us and grabs Abel's hand, grinning like an idiot and nodding at me before pulling Abel into the middle of the living room where everyone is dancing, both of them laughing stupidly when they keep stepping on each others feet. Fucking cyclops. I _hate _birthday parties. Encke sidles up beside me and offers a beer.

"I don't know how Keeler talked me into this."

I snort.

"He's got you whipped pretty bad."

"Look who's talking",says Encke, raising an eyebrow.

Instead I look back at Abel and Praxis, and Keeler has joined them both now, dancing around them provocatively and clearly drunk off his face. Encke excuses himself to go pull Keeler out of the fray but somehow winds up twirling with him around the house, looking extremely awkward, leaving Abel and Cyclops alone again. Don't interfere until Abel goes all weak kneed and leans against Praxis, squeezing his eyes shut.

Shove my way through the crowd until I reach them, taking Abel from Praxis who nods at me solemnly before moving away. Abel groans into my shoulder.

"Hurry up and get over it Princess, I promised you one dance and this songs already halfway finished."

Groans again and hits me weakly, and I just laugh and kiss his hair.

**A/N – **yay happy times yay ^_^ Also I hope this makes sense because I am ridiculously tired right now.


	11. Chapter 11

In which Abel hates florescence.

**Abel POV – 12 years on Earth**

Whoever invented florescent lighting had a terrible sense of humour. But whoever decided that putting florescent lighting in hospital rooms was a sadistic psychopath. No matter how hard you squeeze your eyes shut, you can't escape it.

"_You said five years. You said he was going to have five years, but it's only two. You said five and it's two. There are three left. Look, I fucking put it in a calculator for you, see?"_

I want to speak, but I can't seem to remember how. It's like my brain disconnected from my mouth and every time I try to speak nothing happens. Like there was a rubber band holding my head together and it finally snapped.

"_'Im sorry, but there's nothing we can do. Our calculations were incorrect."_

If they gave me a pipe I could smoke signal what I wanted.

"_Fuck that, you said fucking five and there's three left."_

And I'd tell them to shoot me in the head. Just shoot me in the head please. Once should be enough. I just want to die and I don't care how, just shoot me in the head and finish off what the other gun started.

"_There are measures we can go to, to sustain his lifespan longer, but it would be... cruel... to keep him alive any longer than necessary. And as far as returning fully to conciousness, well, it's a chance in a million."_

I open my eyes again and the whole world swirls sickeningly, like a bad cup of coffee poured down a drain, and I feel so sick, so bloody sick; can't tell who the faces looking down at me are anymore, all turning into obscure shapes and I squeeze them shut again. I just want to die, fall into a pile of sand and be blown away. Anything but this. Please, just make it stop.

"_There, you see that?! Opened his fucking eyes! Look, do it again, Ethan do it again" _

I just want to die I just want to die I just want to die please please please .

"_Sasha-"_

"_Go fuck yourself."_

"_Don't you talk to me that way!"_

"_Like you ever gave a fuck what I thought, what's it matter now?"_

Hello? Colterons? Abel here. Remember when I killed half your race? Well, I'm lying here all helpless, c'mon, take a shot. Steaming cup of free revenge just waiting for you over here. First one to hit me wins a prize.

"_You're nothing but dirt, and you'll never be anything more. But I suppose you have enough sense to love Ethan, and for some reason he picked you, so you're going to shut up and listen to me. You're going to take my son home because if you ever loved him then you're going to let him go and then, once everything's done, you'll be guilty of killing him no matter what; but at least it'll be in a place he wants to be and we can finally wipe our hands of each other."_

Drumbeats bang across the room and fade away, and there's nothing but silence until a chair scrapes across the linoleum and someone picks me up. The world tilts sickeningly and my legs try to disengage from the rest of me, but if it means I'm getting out of this light show then I don't care about the pain or the dizziness, or that weird sensation of falling apart but still being together. Just get me out of here.

"_Sir, SIR! What are you doing!?"_

"_Getting us out of this dump."_

"_You can't do that, he needs to be discharged by a doc-"_

"_How about I discharge your face?"_

Someone's calling for security, but I don't care because the bell rang for school and it's time to go.


	12. Chapter 12

In which Cain and Abel go for a walk.

**Abel POV - 12 years on earth**

I wake up and I can't breathe. Like really, really can't breathe. Someone is holding me underwater and there's a weight on my chest and I'm trying to breathe but I can't.

"Calm down. It's okay, just calm down and breathe."

But breathing hurts. It's like swallowing fire. I don't want to.

"No, fuck this, you're not doing this here. Wake up, wake the fuck up we're going for a walk."

A walk? I'm too tired for a walk. But then Cain picks me up and _oh, _it's this kind of walk. That's okay. The weight comes off my chest. Just needed to move.

"You really need to eat more."

You really need to eat less. Getting kinda squishy.

"I can hear what you're thinking."

Think? I said that out loud didn't I? Oh wait, no I can't speak. That's right. Somebody get me a pipe and I can smoke signal this reply, it's a witty one. Maybe I can blink it.

Then I notice we're outside, and it's the middle of the night, and the stars are twisting around in crazy patterns, trailing light behind themselves. They're dreams I left behind a long time ago and have no wish to touch again. Got a new life. Got new dreams.

Cain face swims into vision, in and out of focus like the camera I stole from my dad when I was a kid and spent the afternoon looking through the lens and playing with the lens. Fuzzy squirrel, non fuzzy squirrel. Fuzzy angry dad, non fuzzy angry dad. Very non fuzzy, very angry dad.

We've stopped walking. Cain's looking at me all funny, and I don't like it so I close my eyes again. That's better.

"Can you hear me? Abel? Nod if you can hear me."

I'm too tired to nod, just waggle my fingers instead. Well, one finger. The movement feels sluggish.

The momentum starts up again and I have no idea where we are and for a little while can't remember who I am, just a dust mote drifting through the air, just a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things, twisting and spinning like an ethereal dancer or a feather plucked from a high flying bird.

Then I can feel a pair of hands and I remember who I am. Abel. I'm Abel, and that's Cain. I can feel grass, Cain's arm around my waist pulling me to him too tight, rounded tree trunk against my back. Can hear his breathing, feel it tickling my scalp. Cain and Abel and the tree.

"You... know I... that I... you know. I never said it but you know."

Know what?

"Knew all along, right? You wouldn't have stuck around otherwise, right?"

Stop bugging me, Cain. Not right now.

"Abel?"

Shhhh. Quite. Ethan sleep now.

"No, wait, just wait a bit longer, I'm begging you on my fucking knees just wait okay?"

Wait? For what? Cain, did I ever tell you that you should be a human pillow? You'd be great at it. Wait, did you want me to wait for you to get a pillow? Okay. Okay, that's fine. I'll just be here napping.

My hair is damp. Is it raining? Doesn't sound like raining.

Drag my eyes open and we're by the lake by my tree and there's Cain, crying. I've never seen him actually cry. Seen him about to, seen him try not to, seen him get a little teary but never actually go through with it, never felt him shake from it. That's my job. Hello girly Abel, Abellina, Ethel, something like that. And I want to tell him it's okay, that I'm just going to take a nap because I'm tired and then we can go home but I can't speak and there's something telling me that's a lie and keeping my eyes open is making everything twist at weird angles and turning me to dust; so instead I just sort of hum and try to make it sound as reassuring as possible. Close my eyes again even though everything keeps spinning. Cain startles and I slip a little out of place. Not such a great human pillow after all. You'll do, though.

"Abel?"

Puts a hand to my cheek, and it's so warm I turn my face into it.

"Fuck, come on you have three years left, you promised."

Someone is smoothing down my hair. It feels nice. Brushing it out of my face so I can breathe better. When did breathing become so difficult?

"Please, Abel please. Just wait. Not yet."

Hum again, and he seems to relax a little. Grabs my hand too tight.

Just go to sleep, Cain. We'll go back home in a little.

**A/N – ** On the bright side, this is nearly finished and then we can all write happy stuff forever yay


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N – **So I got an extremely hostile, somewhat aggressive message from someone unhappy with the way this is going. I'll just say this: if you don't like what I write, well then, you appear to have a keyboard and fairly average grasp of the English language or whatever it is you speak at home (Douchebaggery? The language of uneducated and small minded dicks? Assholes-r-us?): _WRITE IT YOURSELF. _Alternatively, don't read it, nobody's forcing you. There is already plenty of worldsuck going on, you don't need to add to it by being a prick to strangers.

That being said, the rest of you seem genuinely nice, so thank you for being made of awesome. I apologise for the grumpy rant that does not apply to you. This is the last chapter.

In which Cain, well, yeah.

**Cain POV – 12 years on earth**

Wake up. Go to work. Go home. Don't cry. Day in, day out, constant fucking bullshit. Again and again and again and I'm just waiting for this endless fucking joke to end.

Get home and sit on the couch and stare at the walls, vodka in hand but I don't drink it. Can't be bothered. Opening it would take effort, and trying to drown everything out with it proved to be much worse once it wore off. Not worth it.

Someone knocks on the door, and I just wait for them to figure out I haven't bothered to lock it, would love to see someone try and rob me now, love an excuse beat the living shit out of something. Or just let them take it all, doesn't matter anyway.

"This place is a mess."

Encke. Fuck off.

"How would you feel?" then louder, "Cain? Are you home?"

And Keeler. God. If I have to see another happy couple I think I might throw up. Curl up and make myself as small as possible. I am the invisible man. Catch me if you can, but you fucking can't because no one can see me.

"Cain?" Keelers voice is too close now.

"Ca- oh, crap. Crap."

So they found me. Fucking great. Keeler sits down next to me, cautiously, puts a hand on my shoulder and in that moment I've never wished for so strongly to just die and forget about everything, not deal with the shit hole that is my life. Forget about Abel falling asleep at the fucking tree and not waking up again, about the funeral, about his father calmly informing me that it's all my fault his son is dead, and that I too am dead to him. And he's right. All my fucking fault. Couldn't even say three tiny fucking words when it mattered. Want to forget I even met him in the first place and I could go around being unhappy instead of having a gigantic fucking hole punched in me just so it could be plugged up with misery.

But I don't.

"Sit up. There's someone who wants to meet you."

Encke this time, and I know who they're talking about, that fucking kid they adopted and I don't care to meet him, not now, not ever. Doesn't need a fucking failure like me in his life. But Encke pulls me up into a sitting position, face level with mine and glaring. Leans into my ear and whispers: "Be nice."

Whatever.

Keeler looks down nervously, and I see the little person hiding behind his legs, peeking out at me.

"Cain this is, uh, this is Abel. Abel, this is Cain."

I groan and put my head into my hands; of course that's his name. What a cruel fucking joke. A tiny hand touches mine and I look through my fingers at a little black haired boy staring at me wide eyed and confused, so much like that stupid expression Abel used to always have on it hurts. Not an expression or euphemism, it physically hurts and I struggle for breath.

"Mister?"

Encke tightens his grip on my shoulder.

"Mister, you look sad."

"Well aren't you just an insightful little fucker."

"_Cain!"_

"Watch yourself..."

But tiny Abel just keeps looking at me, then opens his arms wide latches his arms around my legs. A hug. There is a tiny child hugging my legs. What? How did this happen? Then he pats my knee, reaches into his pocket and hands me the fuzziest, dirtiest, stickiest lollipop I've ever seen. Shoves it roughly into my hand, like all little kids lacking hand-eye co-ordination, and the stick jabs my skin and scrapes a shallow opening.

"It'll be okay Mister."

He keeps patting my knee and then Keeler gives me a proper hug, and Encke's holding my shoulder and tiny Abel is patting my knee, well, sort of slapping it now until Encke grabs his hand and stops him. And for the first time in what feels like forever, I can just forget about everything.

It'll be okay.


End file.
